Too Tired & Fat! Fat?

Being tired and fat are two different things. But when these two things come to me side by side, there is something wrong with me, right? And also we often mistakenly describe the difference between tired and lazy. Laziness can be the caused of tiredness in someone and laziness could be the very child that conceived by being fat too. So whatever, I need to get the definition correct later.

But today is one of those days that I felt really mentally tired. Tired? I think it was lazy and unmotivated to live is more like it. I felt Lazy like a fat person. I am not fat or obese for that matter. But I was hit with the word fat many times today. I have been neglecting my exercise for so long. I used to be in the gym at least 3 times a week but after a long break since September until November 2010, I only go to the gym once a week or pretty much every Saturday as Rezal's guest over the weekend at Fitness First Gym.

I don't think I am that FAT. I am fatter than I used to be (a little only! 3% more fat? Denial?) but today, more than ever, everyone I met at Kamdar said I am fat. Can't they be a little bit stingy on the usage of the word "fat" on someone? These "fatter" words flying at me like bullets. Imagine movie The Matrix when Keanu Reeves was bending backwards (mind you!) to avoid flying bullets hitting him? Only this time that bullet was "fat" and I wished I could bend over backwards like Keanu. Instead every bullet hit me in the face just like when someone slap you on the fucking face.

Urrrkkhhh!!! I hate being called fat! I am not angry at those people who called me fat. They just observed and shot their bullets at me. That's all! I am more angry at myself for getting fat and didn't notice it when I look in the mirror every day. Can anyone give me a break? I am still tired from my last Saturday exercise at the gym. How can I still be growing fat in my belly and make cushiony cheeks at the same time?

So I made up my mind that in February I will go back to the gym on regular basis and torture myself until I can barely walk home. Ohhh! Did I mention that I also hate to work my ass off so hard so that I can avoid to be called fat? I have to straighten up my motivation aka "nawaitu" now. A little confused on that!

To be honest I would rather just stay in my living room and avoid eye contact with humans at all cost. Unless my cats can now talk like a freakin' Cockatoo Bird, then I will avoid them too. Sort of like a close call between on the verge of getting mental or becoming the "cat lady" (very fat, can barely walk, old, messy and smelly lady that lives alone with 10 to 50 cats in her house and she never goes out of the house except to get a mail. Even the groceries are being delivered to her doors.)

Fuck!! What is wrong with me? What is my problem? I am rebelling against fat and people but still don't know what's bugging my mind. I need to be alone cause I am starting to hate a lot of things!

I am so uncool now!