Mostly when I write something it’s because I was angry at someone or something. There’s always something about dissatisfaction that fuel me to such epic eruptions. Usually, when this happens I would normally able to express my feelings like a blaze of fire. I got too wrapped up in my own drama mess.
I have this short temper that I inherit from my late father. I love him so much but this part of him has become a part of me that I do not like. I can see how I become so much more like him everyday, as I am getting older.
I get impatient when I do things and started to rush on doing my chores. And if I screw it up I get so angry at myself and started to curse and call myself stupid, idiot and all the mean nouns. There are times when I literally hit my head with things that can hurt me. To some point, I felt uncontrollable with my own anger. It was more like a self punishment kind of thing and I seldom do this to other people. Unless I was provoked, cornered or badgered with issues that really bothers me.
Sometimes I thought was it because I really wanted to be perfect at everything that I become some kind of mental and full of anger at myself for my failures? The bad thing is that the small little things that got me so angry and not the big ones. It was almost on the verge of being pathetic than psychotic.
I was told by someone really close to me at one time. She said that sometimes we become cold, impatient, full of resentment, anger and bitterness towards life because our hearts had become dull and lost due to distance from Allah and religion.
I sort of agree to this! I remember how my level of devout has been on a rollercoaster ride pretty much all these years. The rule of thumb is, when I am in trouble and need help, I will be back to my praying mat and started giving it at least 3 times a day.
Even when I am in trouble I failed to give my requested 5 times a day of praying discipline. So what happen when everything is on a roll and no disaster? This is when I started to get free and easy on the praying and focus more on my pathetic daily life. I will surely be burned in hell for all the sins and bad things I did. But how far will I allow myself to go on an on without realizing the importance of living as a devout Muslim? Until some life and death situations comes at my door and leave me with a package of no more options?
I have seen some of my friends faced this situation and drastically forced to change their lifestyles. From drinking wine for breakfast in the morning to passed out at 11.00pm after 5 glasses of wine on a daily routine to praying 5 times a day no matter where and how difficult the situations are, he still find a place to pray. At least the good side of getting bad news is we got second chance to correct our life and become a better person. Consider that life and death package was a special-warning-delivery from God to make us realize how small we are and how short life can be.
Sometimes I get so jealous of some people who get to jet set everywhere all over the world. Get to see other countries, enjoying clubbing in New York, sipping café latte on the road side of Paris Café, shopping at Oxford Street, taking a boat ride along the Sydney Opera House and so much more. But the things that I have come to realized all these years, after all the disappointments and jealousness towards my jet setting friends, life is not what it seems actually. There are more to life than just a beautiful picture with an Eiffel Tower in the back ground on their Facebook.
Generally, people just love to tell their beautiful romance stories and enjoy watching other people awe at them. But the truth behind these colorful pictures and beautiful smiles is like the crumbs that swept under the carpet. Nobody knows the dark side content behind that perfect cover they portray.
It is true that nothing last forever and the best things that we have are the things that we have and not what other people have. Comparing me to my other friends who get to enjoy everything that I dream and make it their reality is just not fair to me.
God definitely has plans for everyone. And when something bad or good happens, I couldn’t help but wonder, when is it going to end and what’s going to come out next? So that’s why I stop myself from feeling sorry for not able to enjoy the things that other people have. I make my own happiness and my own set of rules. Not really strict rules but something that has loop holes here and there so that I could make changes as and when I need to without restrictions that could bind me to the floor or put me in a guilty bin.
The thing is after all these notions and emotions laid out in the open, have I grown up to be a better person? I think the answer is yes! I realized now how life go, who to forgive, what to forget and how I could find my own peace when something bad strike me right in my heart. By the end of the day, one cannot be too rigid on his or her own set of strict morale code. So rigid that it was fueled by ego and hate.
I surely do not want to be like the person that I used to when I was 25 years old. Back then I was so naïve, empty and bland. I was depending on my older or superior friends to make decisions for myself; it came down to the smallest detail such as what my hair styles should be like. Absolutely no back bone, limping and so fragile!
I think now is the era where I start sharing with people what it’s like to be a mature adult and know what I am doing. And I actually know the real meaning of the word “been there, done that”. It is such a cliché but its all valid now in my own vocabulary of life.
Yes! I have grown up!
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