Dark Clouds Of My Past

Sometimes in April 2009, I was all hair wired, struggle to sleep every night and worried to the bone of what had happened to me. I was so worried that my most precious education documents were stolen away from under the bed inside the small room in Azaham’s apartment. I already had someone to blame for this misfortune of my own negligence. And that person already left for good and had no reason to turn back for a second thought.

Served me right though for believing people so easily and let them have it. To my best friends I was diagnosed as being blind; not eyes but blind hearted. Well now it was all in the past and nothing I could do to change anything anymore. So I decided to move on with my life, going to the gym and making new friends.

As days went by I thought I could get away from my hideous past but my past constantly bothering my mind. And the one thing that really a pin prick to my heart was how mad I was to myself for being so gullible and stupid that cost me my long life of education certificates and transcript from all my universities.

Out of the blue, recently my older sister Kakni called and told me that she found my huge black Delsey brand luggage tucked away under my grandmother’s pre-war metal bed frame in my old bedroom in my village home at Kampung Gedok. She said the luggage was so heavy and must be packed with a lot of stuff inside it. So I told her to open it up and check out what was the content. And the content was all my old photos from Hawaii that I don’t want anyone to see and all my precious education certificates, university transcripts, diploma and my degrees.

Oh my God! I said! Suddenly I can breathe again and sleep well at night knowing that I didn’t lose all these and how I thought that someone had stolen it from me. So two days ago when I got home for this year’s Eid Celebration, I opened up my luggage and went through everything.

Just as I thought, all the despicable photos of my past were in there and I don’t know why I have been keeping them knowing that I wouldn’t even take a glance of them anymore. Let alone put them in my book shelves for friends or families to see. It would be a complete embarrassment!

Unfortunately Kakni already saw them but seemed like she didn’t react to it or give out any comment to me. Thank God I don’t have to deal with it anymore. What’s past is past. Let them go and forget it. I don’t need any evident to remind me of my embarrassing past.

Last night I went through all the things I hid away inside that Delsey and sort them out. This morning, after my breakfast I grab a bottle of Kerosene, a box of matches and a garbage bag full of my shameful evident from my past.

I head out to the trash burning place at the end of my yard and dump them there. I threw splashes of Kerosene and light up the match to burn it.

I didn’t even think twice of what I was burning because I just want to get rid of them out of my life. Even memories of them in my mind are no more relevant nor exciting or fond. I already filed them away in a special forget-this-shit filing cabinet and locked it away somewhere in my head. I am not that Dwen anymore and what I am now is more essential and more acceptable to the people surrounding me and appropriate to my age.

At this point I am thinking why I did all those appalling things in the past? Was I that naïve? Or was I just wanted to explore life and figure out who I was? Or was I just having fun with some friends? But all these questions are not significant anymore whether or not I have the answer. It’s a little too late to be answered and I am already too late from being undiscovered by my sisters.

Therefore I burnt them all to a huge bon fire and watched the dark clouds of my past blown away in the sky and vanish into this Saturday morning sun.

I keep all my school and universities documents safely and I am free again! Thank God what a relief!