Moving To A New Home

The idea started when my best friend Azaham had to ditch his foreign country work and came back home for good. My mind started to spin 360 degrees wondering what should I do with my residence here in KL?

Prior to all these, I have lost more than RM 60,000 when I bought a bungalow from my divorced cousin. But finally after 3 years of living there her bank asked for more money, about RM35,000 in addition of what I have invested. So I decided to let go of that bungalow and moved away. It was a big mess for me then. I had to let go of so much stuff from my house and finally I ended up in Azaham’s apartment.

We worked out some kind of an agreement between friends and there after, I started living at his apartment permanently while he was away living in Macau.

And now, another similar situation happens again. I decided to move out of his apartment and find my own terrace house to live. I believe this decision is for the best. Azaham needs his space and his apartment all to himself again. It is just not right for a 38-years-old guy like me still living under his roof and taking up his space and privacy.

Although we already traded a win-win situation for both of us, I still felt like a leech sucking his blood. After all we are all living in our own unique ways. He certainly would want to do things his own way with his apartment and this doesn’t need my approval because I am just living there now and he’s the owner.

I have found a decent terrace house for me that can fit all of my needs and requirements. The only small tiny things though, I have no furniture of any kinds at all. No kitchen stuff, no dining table, no living room set and no bedroom set. At first my other best friend Kamizi, was kind of sad that I have to move out from Azaham’s apartment because to all my friends, Azaham’s apartment was like my own place. They always call it Dwen’s place and not Azaham’s.

But since moving out require such an epic projects to fill up the new place, Kamizi with open hearted, more correctly and literally take me out for shopping and use up all his big credits credit cards and let me benefit from the installment plans that come with it. It is really a blessing to me because he put some scary common sense about buying for house hold furniture and stuff. He said we must think of it as a one time investment that we could use for a long time.

As Kamizi put it, it doesn’t matter whether this residence now is rented, in the near future I have to start thinking of buying my own place again. And these house hold furniture that I buy now must be of good quality that would last me a life time. Since Kamizi has just moved in to his new terrace house about a year ago, he has a lot of tricks up his sleeve. So I have lesser things to worry about when buying things! But now I am worried about one other thing; good quality house hold furniture that could last me a life time which also translated as expensive. This idea does get me to stare through an empty wall with cold sweats run down my forehead.

So far I have spent so much money which according to Kamizi’s prediction he is correct again. And now, there’s no turning back because most of the stuff that I need to fill up my new place, already been bought. Which also means that real soon; I will have to be a slave paying all these debts for the next 3 years.

There goes my cold sweats again….and there goes my designer bags once or twice or sometimes 5 times a year. Sigh!

I am a “fashionmista” guy. I live and breathe for fashion. However to Kamizi my fashion is a waste of money and no value of happiness to him. Clearly we have different views about what makes us happy. For me a Burberry tote bag gave me a subtle and instant comfort, happiness and a sense of self confident as soon as I step out of my house and end up among strangers in the mall. To Kamizi he just wants to live in his own comfortable house that has all the luxury of living. What happen out side of his home can be downsized to a minimal request.

The funny thing is somehow I want let go of my own way of life and go with Kamizi’s way instead. Maybe it is time for me to think of the most important needs that I should have; working towards getting my own house. And getting the right house hold furniture for my future home is my first step towards this idea.

Maybe kamizi is right all the way. It’s just that he’s not fun like me. He doesn’t enjoy art, fashion, music or entertainment as much as I do. But I am so grateful to have friends like Kamizi who is so much more than my own siblings and Azaham who is so much more than any friends I know.

So when it’s time to help each other, they just come and help me and I did the same to them too.

Magical Moon

On the 27th June 2010, As I was at home doing nothing, this magical moon appeared in the night sky, shining bright behind dark clouds. I was lucky enough to have my Canon EOS 1000D camera with me at that moment. And so I changed the lens to a zoom 55-250mm lens and snaps a few photos.

These photos are as real as it was that night and I didn't do any editing at all to the original photos. The moon looks like it belongs in a Batman movie.


FULL MOON 01



FULL MOON 02



FULL MOON 03

My Gym Trend Lately

I did not go to the gym for the whole month last month. It’s not that I cannot go actually I was kind of turned off to go to that XYZ Gym at KL. I lied to my friends when they ask me why I didn’t go to the gym. The real truth is I simply got bored of that place and the people that I see in that gym all the times. Whether I know them personally or strangers, pretty much I was already sick to see all their faces and literally just suck the energy out of my body.

I am kind of weird! I know from the very beginning that I do not like to make friends with the gym people or have any kind of friendship on a personal level with any of them. But I ended up having known a bunch of them anyway the way I expected. They became my friends and complicate my life. Really!

Pretty much when I am in the gym, I don’t socialize or even look at other people. I just don’t like for them to look at me either when I am forcing myself to push for each weight lifting or see my face suffer trying to push my own limits. The only people that I like to interact on a very minimal level are the staff and the Personal Trainers. That’s all actually!

It’s not that I am a stuck up person or anything like that. I just don’t see the need to be extra friendly to some eager-gediks-person and trap myself into making friends with someone I don’t really care just for the sake of being nice. I don’t want to be pretentious or lie to anyone. I really do not want to be friendly to anyone.

Call me the ugly duckling or the black sheep of the bunch for all I care. I have seen some of these gedik boys/girls making friends and how they carry themselves in the gym really want to make me vomit. Do you really need to wear such short hot pants, the kind that you would mistakenly think that they were going to the swimming pool and then doing some kind of a weird cat walking around the gym and make these cute smiles to strangers? Yuck! Despicable OK!

I suppose to these Gedik boys/girls the gym is their social club. The club that charge monthly fees, plays loud club music, offer free sodas with huge dance studios lead by Mother Hen that Gedik the most among all teaching everyone how to shake their humps. And it is also a courtyard of dream where they could catch someone or to show off their six packs or play the winking eyes games with fellow pathetic souls and find out who wins.

So, I stop going to that XYZ Gym at KL for a while until I forget all the Gedik Faces in there and for the time being I am going to all the other XYZ Gyms around KL such as Puchong, Damansara, PJ and Cheras. I am rotating my gym location on weekly basis. So far I like the gym at PJ the most, very spacious, clean and well lit.

I feel so free this way and I am not bothered by all these people so much anymore! However I don’t mind to be bothered by “Sharona” at the counter. She’s the only professional person I don’t mind putting up with. She’s so cool!

P/S: Definition of GEDIK (Pronounce like Gew-dick) This definition is taken from www.urbandictionary.com

A Malay word that describes someone(usually a girl or a gay boy) who acts in a slutty way but not to the extreme, it's kinda like a 'persuasive but cute' manner, where the 'cute' part is usually not from the heart. just check the e.g.

Boy : Hey, leave my noodles alone on that table!
Girl : Aww... can't I just have a little?~ pleaasee....
Boy : A simple "no, u can't"
Girl : aww pweaase~ pwettie pweaasee~ (puts finger on her lips and nods a little while staring straight to the boy's face)
Boy : Omg, u r sooo gedik

There Are Times. . . . . . . .

There are times when I get so emotional I just cried my heart out alone in my room to let go of my wretchedness. They were many times when I cried so many tears in front of my cat Sultan, the only one truly understands me. He would sit beside me and showed me how much he cared and how much he wished he could say words of comfort for me. He stayed there right in front of me, stared at me with his big blue eyes without a blink.

There are times when I don’t have tears to cry anymore, I started to pour my heart out on a piece of paper. Sometimes after such sadness or pain struck my heart, writing consoles me and made me feel more contented. I know that my closest friends were wondering why sometimes I acted so bizarrely and became such irate little soul. Anyone would have understood more of me if they read what I write all the times.

There are times that I may be looked so strong and independent on the outside. But, on the inside I am all sensitive and mushy. I acted with such pride and confident and fool all the people that I love into thinking that I am good enough. I go astray with my direction in life and try to compensate the tragedy I had with awful behavior and harsh remarks to my own best friends. But I know that this is a wrong thing to act on and unwise judgment.

There are times when I just cannot do anything anymore but to let go. Nothing I can do to people out there with agenda to control or to manipulate me. I cannot push, tell, explain, advise or make them understands of my simple needs. They just go about pretending that they are with me when they are absent and careless about how I feel. They just want what they wish for or believe what they see when they neither open their eyes nor their heart.

There are times I wish for simple things in life and not the stars in the night sky to light my world. There are times I wish for you to just listen to what I say and feel what I feel and see me shed tears. There are times I wish for many things in return you give me conflicting.

There are many times things are just inexhaustible when I want it to stop.

My Funny Friend Named Yan

This afternoon I received news from my good friend Yan that he's leaving for Hong Kong for good at the end of this month. He just got a job offer from one of the firms there. He tried to make things work for himself here in KL but the economy just too bad for him. When he told me he's leaving, suddenly I felt very sad and emotional that I am loosing one of my good, smart, matured and funny friends like Yan.

Among all of my friends, Yan is so much different. Even when he goes through tough times in life, he wouldn’t show any anger, frustrations or disappointment towards life. He has always been so positive and never stops to try new things and smiles like nothing ever hurt him. And the best part about Yan is he is the only one of my friends that can listen to my jokes and get it instantly. And he could remember so many jokes and tell me about it too. He is so much fun and smart!

Although we don’t get to spend time together so often, we keep in contact all the times through Facebook and telephone. I wish I could have spent more times with him though. I knew that he wanted to watch movies with me many times but I always end up with someone else in the theater. I felt like I have neglected him a little bit. It made me feel sadder that I could do this to my own dear friend.

I don't have many good friends but the one that I have are very exclusive and special. They are always around and supportive. Yup! We talked about each other behind our backs and discuss on things about each other. But hey....that's what makes us all special friends. We don't mean any harm or try to hurt one another. We just talk to each other and lend our shoulder to cry on and ears to listen to their problems or dissatisfaction. By the end of the day they are all used to improve our quality of friendship. That's all!

But one friend goes, there’ll be another coming. Is that true? Yes! That is true but no one holds a candle to Yan. I will tremendously miss his kind words, smart advices and warm company among other good things he posses. And I am sure he would want me to mention about his charming good looks as well.

New people don't mean that they are good but it means new things to discover and new sets of headache. And from what I have had for the past 10 years, not many 20-something friends out there who are willing to grow old together. Sometimes they are just too young to be matured. What came out from their mouth and seen through their actions are two different things. Too Bad! They don't know how to get rid of their anger or hate or ego for the sake of friendship. But they know that they are still young and they can go through so many friendship after getting rid of us before they decided to stick to a few of them for a long time.

Do they really know the meaning of friendship? Are they willing to forgive a friend and move on with the friendship like nothing happen? Things happened for a reason. It is an unwritten guideline of friendship for future reference. It’s the dos and don’ts of our very own friendship. Over the years, you’ll understand better of your friends and learn which are best to preserve the friendship.

To Yan, thank you for all your kind words of advice and always been there for me with no conditions applied. I bid you farewell and the best of luck in your career. I will tremendously miss you and we shall just keep in contact through Facebook, emails and telephone until we meet again someday.

Take care of yourself my friend.

Have I Grown Up?

Mostly when I write something it’s because I was angry at someone or something. There’s always something about dissatisfaction that fuel me to such epic eruptions. Usually, when this happens I would normally able to express my feelings like a blaze of fire. I got too wrapped up in my own drama mess.

I have this short temper that I inherit from my late father. I love him so much but this part of him has become a part of me that I do not like. I can see how I become so much more like him everyday, as I am getting older.

I get impatient when I do things and started to rush on doing my chores. And if I screw it up I get so angry at myself and started to curse and call myself stupid, idiot and all the mean nouns. There are times when I literally hit my head with things that can hurt me. To some point, I felt uncontrollable with my own anger. It was more like a self punishment kind of thing and I seldom do this to other people. Unless I was provoked, cornered or badgered with issues that really bothers me.

Sometimes I thought was it because I really wanted to be perfect at everything that I become some kind of mental and full of anger at myself for my failures? The bad thing is that the small little things that got me so angry and not the big ones. It was almost on the verge of being pathetic than psychotic.

I was told by someone really close to me at one time. She said that sometimes we become cold, impatient, full of resentment, anger and bitterness towards life because our hearts had become dull and lost due to distance from Allah and religion.

I sort of agree to this! I remember how my level of devout has been on a rollercoaster ride pretty much all these years. The rule of thumb is, when I am in trouble and need help, I will be back to my praying mat and started giving it at least 3 times a day.

Even when I am in trouble I failed to give my requested 5 times a day of praying discipline. So what happen when everything is on a roll and no disaster? This is when I started to get free and easy on the praying and focus more on my pathetic daily life. I will surely be burned in hell for all the sins and bad things I did. But how far will I allow myself to go on an on without realizing the importance of living as a devout Muslim? Until some life and death situations comes at my door and leave me with a package of no more options?

I have seen some of my friends faced this situation and drastically forced to change their lifestyles. From drinking wine for breakfast in the morning to passed out at 11.00pm after 5 glasses of wine on a daily routine to praying 5 times a day no matter where and how difficult the situations are, he still find a place to pray. At least the good side of getting bad news is we got second chance to correct our life and become a better person. Consider that life and death package was a special-warning-delivery from God to make us realize how small we are and how short life can be.

Sometimes I get so jealous of some people who get to jet set everywhere all over the world. Get to see other countries, enjoying clubbing in New York, sipping café latte on the road side of Paris Café, shopping at Oxford Street, taking a boat ride along the Sydney Opera House and so much more. But the things that I have come to realized all these years, after all the disappointments and jealousness towards my jet setting friends, life is not what it seems actually. There are more to life than just a beautiful picture with an Eiffel Tower in the back ground on their Facebook.

Generally, people just love to tell their beautiful romance stories and enjoy watching other people awe at them. But the truth behind these colorful pictures and beautiful smiles is like the crumbs that swept under the carpet. Nobody knows the dark side content behind that perfect cover they portray.

It is true that nothing last forever and the best things that we have are the things that we have and not what other people have. Comparing me to my other friends who get to enjoy everything that I dream and make it their reality is just not fair to me.

God definitely has plans for everyone. And when something bad or good happens, I couldn’t help but wonder, when is it going to end and what’s going to come out next? So that’s why I stop myself from feeling sorry for not able to enjoy the things that other people have. I make my own happiness and my own set of rules. Not really strict rules but something that has loop holes here and there so that I could make changes as and when I need to without restrictions that could bind me to the floor or put me in a guilty bin.

The thing is after all these notions and emotions laid out in the open, have I grown up to be a better person? I think the answer is yes! I realized now how life go, who to forgive, what to forget and how I could find my own peace when something bad strike me right in my heart. By the end of the day, one cannot be too rigid on his or her own set of strict morale code. So rigid that it was fueled by ego and hate.

I surely do not want to be like the person that I used to when I was 25 years old. Back then I was so naïve, empty and bland. I was depending on my older or superior friends to make decisions for myself; it came down to the smallest detail such as what my hair styles should be like. Absolutely no back bone, limping and so fragile!

I think now is the era where I start sharing with people what it’s like to be a mature adult and know what I am doing. And I actually know the real meaning of the word “been there, done that”. It is such a cliché but its all valid now in my own vocabulary of life.

Yes! I have grown up!

RUMAH IMPIAN, IMPIAN TERLEPAS

Pagi tadi semasa aku tengah drive nak pergi kerja, aku berangan lagi mengenai rumah impian aku. Hentahlah, aku selalu berangan nak memiliki rumah yang cantik, ada laman yang luas di sebelah rumah untuk aku berkebun dan melepaskan kucing-kucing kesayangan aku.

Tetapi bila aku fikir semula reality kewangan aku sekarang dengan umur aku yang hampir mencecah 40 tahun ini, aku rasa sampai mati pun aku tak kan merasa tinggal didalam rumah yang cantik and luas seperti yang diidamkan.

Lebih kurang 5-6 tahun dulu, aku beli sebiji rumah bangalo dari sepupu aku Liza and Affendi. Mereka bercerai, jadi rumah yang mereka baru beli bersama terpaksa dijual. Selepas aku melihat bangalo tu di Lavender Heights, Senawang, Aku terus jatuh cinta dan beli property itu. Semuanya berjalan lancar, aku keluarkan wang simpanan aku, bayar 10% dari harga rumah itu dan tidak lama kemudian aku pun pindah masuk bersama dengan Chomel, Sultan dan Cotton.

Tetapi tanpa kusedari, rupanya, sepupu aku dan ex-suami dia tak pernah bayar satu sen pun ke bank mereka setiap bulan sebelum aku masuk dan hutang mereka dengan bank menjadi bertimbun-timbun…selepas dua tahun aku dok disana, dan selepas aku berbelanja melebihi RM60,000 terhadap rumah idaman aku itu, aku dihalau keluar. Sebabnya, pihak bank tidak boleh beri hak sepenuhnya rumah itu kepada aku melainkan aku tambah sebanyak RM30,000 lebih lagi kepada bank. Mana aku nak korek duit lagi?

Aku menjadi buntu dan merasa sungguh sedih, sesal dan kecewa dengan semua nie sebab aku terpaksa bakar segala pelaburan aku kat rumah tu begitu sahaja. Dalam sekelip mata aku dari berumah Banglo menjadi homeless. Selepas 2 tahun menginap dirumah itu, aku keluar dan menumpang tinggal di rumah Azaham di Seri Kembangan.

Sudah nasib aku macam ni, aku terima sahaja dan teruskan kehidupan. Tetapi selepas beberapa tahun tinggal di apartment Azaham, aku sudah mula rasa terasing dan sedih semula. Aku ingin tingal di rumah aku sendiri. Aku tak boleh duduk dirumah orang dah. Dah tak larat tinggal di rumah kawan yang aku tak boleh buat apa-apa pun. Aku tak boleh ubah suai rumah ini. Aku tak boleh letak kucing2 kesayangan aku. Aku tak boleh gantung lukisan dan hiasan di dinding. Store room pun kena kemas sentiasa dan aku terpaksa punggah kotak-kotak yang sudah disusun rapi bila aku nak ambil apa-apa. Semuanya dah tak seperti dulu, free and easy orang kata.

Aku tak boleh buat sesuka hati aku. Aku menumpang belas kasihan seorang kawan. Aku menggunakan kemudahan yang dimiliki oleh orang. Aku terasa seperti seorang parasit diatas dahan pokok yang indah. Hidup sementara dan tiada masa depan.

Aku tersekat dengan batasan aku sendiri…kewangan. Aku sekarang dok membayar hutang yang beribu-ribu setiap bulan di atas kesilapan aku yang dahulu dan tak mampu untuk menyimpan walau seratus pun untuk masa tua aku. Aku hidup dari bulan ke bulan disetiap bulan. Setiap sen gaji aku semuanya sudah ada tempat yang akan “dicampak” kan. Aku rasa hati aku sebak dan sebu! Aku tidak sedih tetapi rasa buntu dengan hutang yang tiada hentinya.

Aku tahu perbelanjaan aku agak “berlebihan” selalu. Orang akan cakap daripada beli Beg Burberry yang berharga seribu ringgit, lebih baik letak di dalam ASB dan biarkan dia beranak sendiri dihujung tahu. Memang betul, aku dengan designer taste aku, CK, Burberry, Zara, Prada, Gucci, tralili-tralala….semuanya pembaziran. What can I say?

Tetapi kalau aku fikir semula, tak logic kalau aku kerja kuat setiap bulan untuk membayar hutang piutang sahaja seumur hidup aku. Betul tak? Takkan aku tak boleh nak hiburkan hati, buat retail therapy sebagai “hadiah” ke atas situasi aku yang dah already merunsing kan ini. Life is too short to just look at beautiful things and walk away. I want to have them in my possession and enjoy them. I do! Kadang-kadang aku rasa sungguh enjoy dan puas hati selepas aku beli jacket Calvin Klein koleksi yang paling latest kat KLCC. Aku rasa puas sampai kan termimpi-mimpi.

Kalau beli designer beg, lagi lah. Aku rasa macam nak tidur dengan Beg baru tu. Tetapi aku selalunya akan sorok kan semua designer goods aku yang baru di atas almari aku. Sebab aku tak mahu kawan2 aku nampak yang aku ada “benda” baru ini. Aku tak suka kalau dorang fikir yang aku ni kaya. Aku tak kaya, aku cuma tidak takut untuk berbelanja. Itu sahaja. And I know that I deserve it!

Aku tau dengan cara ini juga membuatkan aku tidak putus asa dengan segala hutang piutang di bank yang tiada hentinya dengan interest yang beranak pinak. At least aku rasa terhibur sekali sekala dengan pembelian yang cantik dan berharga.

Mungkin satu hari nanti aku akan end up dengan designer bags aku sahaja dan aku terpaksa bungkus-bungkus kan nya jadikan rumah. Sebab kalau aku fikirkan semula harga2 beg aku tu, dah berpuluh ribu aku berbelanja. Hanya bank sahaja yang tahu!

Tetapi my ultimate dream is to have my own home. A beautiful house for me, my loving cats and my beautiful orchids. But for now, semuanya masih blur, masih berkabus dan masih jauh dari harapan aku.

My clock is ticking but I am stuck!