Thursday, May 19, 2011

Is This Suppose To Make Me Feel Better?

Ever since I have moved to my rental two-story Terrace House 10 months ago, I have been happier than ever. It’s a nice comfortable house with front and back yard for my gardens and ample space inside the house; a master bedroom, a guess room, a gym room, huge living hall, 3 restrooms and a comfortable special room for my 8 cats too and a perfect venue for our casual weekly gathering for all my best friends.

I managed to make my own space uniquely Dwen’s as my friend would say it; warm, cozy, spacious, complete with modern equipment and appliances, filled with nice and practical furniture, a place for entertainment, a venue for a BBQ Party and a well attended gardens blooming with colourful Orchids, Anthuriums, Bougainvilleas and gardenias among the collections.

And the best part of all that I am sure of is that I welcome all my best friends to visit me at any time and I am always eternally hospitalize with their visitations or always prepared to organize any gathering or parties. I am just that warm friendly and easy going person to them. And I will always be and that’s why my home is always the place to be for all of them.

This is just how I am. I can turn a plain empty house into a livable and comfortable home that anyone would love.

The thing is renting this house is all I can afford at the moment. I got some unfortunate careless history with my credit trails that put me in a bin of unfavorable customers with the bank. I am not broke or black listed from any banking institutions. But I am just not a very good customer to them base on the merit of my records. I have been paying all my debts with them for as long as I can remember and it just never ends. But I am very casual with the payment schedule every month to the point that I do not care if I miss any deadline. I just make sure that I pay them regardless anyway at some point.

And with my business running with another set of headaches to bear, everything is almost unbearable every month. But I am grateful to Allah for giving me such a comfortable life to live, more than an average person would have. So despite my money issues with the bank, I am still good with my families, my employees and my best friends. These three, I will always make sure my best to keep them from worrying about money because of me.

I am always generous with money for them. Somehow I am more than happy if I could spare some support for them when they need my help with money. Or at least I will try first or offer some other alternative before I give up. But sometimes I think this does present a problem for me though. They often expect more from me when I know my limit is lesser than what they could have.

Recently my best friend KH has been saying that if I cannot buy the terrace house I am living now, come when my landlord ready to sell it, he wanted to buy it and let me rent it from him. Kind of like asking me to pay for my own home, but for him to own from the bank. He knows I am a good paymaster with him and he knows that I cannot afford to buy this on my own for now or for the next 3 years at least; so he thought if he buys this house and let me rent it from him, this will make me feel better and happier? Secure? What kind of fucked up idea is this? He will be happier, yes! What about me?

In fact I will feel so unhappy and feel really useless and pointless to live. Maybe it’s the ego in me, I don’t know. But I would like to buy the place that I really love with my own sweat, tears and bare hands. I don’t want my best friend to take ownership on my home like some so-called superior civilized race invaded some poor small country just because they don’t have a name for their country and do not have a freakin’ flag to wave. What kind of egomaniac stupid thing to do to someone?

Is this supposed to help me? Maybe! But it is more like helping him to own more property and turn people like me become a leech, a beggar, a second rate useless citizen and taken away his self-respect with his dignity squeeze to a pulp. On the other hand, he becomes the hero that the family will brag for years to come, meanwhile I got to fake my face of embarrassment to his family and to our friends with smiles and giggles of laughter while serving food at my own party for them.

I don’t think I am ready to be this humble despite my unfortunate fate at the moment I have to do what’s best for my own happiness. Should this moment come and my home ownership transferred from the rich Chinese to my best friend KH, I will be ashamed to live here and it will be the day my soul of happiness got crushed to a size of a pea.

Maybe, we should call it day and I will be gone forever.

My thoughts,

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