Thursday, December 30, 2010


My worst nightmare has finally come at last. I had to do so much for my company’s paperwork and accounts and the LHDN (Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri) is going to fine me on all the income tax that I have not yet pay in 2004 to 2006. And ROC would probably fine me for the late submission of my account statements and what not too.

All these delays and what not goes way back when Joe was in this company. He was this sloth American who wants to make it easy for him to get a PR in Malaysia but wants to skip all the paperwork or pay any cost that involve along the way. He’s the kind that used his finger a lot to point instead of to do it himself. But I was wrong too for not fighting him for the right thing to do. I let it go and let him have it his way. I was afraid and stupid in a way!

We the Malaysian worked as his “kuli batak” while he sat in his throne and play chatting on the internet the whole day. Just like when we were in Honolulu long time ago; Annie, Emily and I were his “kuli batak” then and we were forced to make phone calls to all the list of customers that he stole from Wyland Art Gallery to sell arts to these poor people as well. It was a pain in our ass and it was dreadful. Nothing good came out of that and it was shit all the way.

So, naturally who could stand his stupid foul mouth, lying ass any longer and we had a fight in 2006 and I told him to fuck off from my life and the company. So he resigned and went to Bangkok, Thailand, his land of the dream. He has always dreamt about living in Thailand ever since I met him in 1997. This was his biggest chance to leave us be since he has no balls to say what he wanted. And I knew he wanted to ditch us long time ago but couldn’t bring himself to say it to my face.

It felt like a huge bird shit just left our shoulders clean and decided to land on Bangkok people instead. He was there for a few years until end of 2009, then he called me and informed that he was leaving Bangkok for good to work in the government sector in LA, California. I found out later that before he left Bangkok he scammed our customer in Japan for more than 10,000 dollars and ran away. What a fucking Pig!

The problem now is I have to find a great solution to get away from being stuck in the net of fines and paperworks and then drown in the ocean of failure caused by the government policies. All these problems will definitely drown me and kill my spirit to live along the process to survive.

So I may be forced to close my current company and come out with a sole proprietorship company which require a lot less paperwork and will not be audited by the stupid government bodies. Sort of the second chance that I am hoping for.

I hope everything will go well as plan and I hope I will not get so much in trouble with the government soon. I am making a list of new company names to choose from now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011 to all friends and strangers.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Down And Down Again

It only took one lie to destroy my relationship with anyone. Once I right-handedly caught a person lying to me everything is just broken after that. I lost the one thing that is most precious to me, TRUST.

What happen after loosing trust on someone is just horrible. I get suspicious, curious, nervous, tired, angry, more alert and above all, loosing sleeps. I have been down this road before and so far no one ever managed to keep my trust on them. After the first one, I realized everyone until the fifth persons; they are all a bunch of lying sack of shits and have no respects for me except for themselves. What an asshole!

I am so tired of being the one to keep asking these people to correct themselves and to respect me and still with all the words and talks that came out of my mouth all these times; they are just noise that bounce back to me on a concrete wall.

What am I, a piece of meat? Where have all your mannerism, respects and honesty been gone? Is there anymore a speck of decency in any relationship anymore?

Am I asking for the sky and the moon out of you? I don’t think so! But why is it so damn difficult for you to even live an honest life and honor my request?

I am so tired with people and their lies. I am so tired to look at the same people who put on fake smiles and insincere gestures just to make them feel better reaping the benefits of living from me.

Don’t they know that I suffer sweats and blood to keep a living here? That I have to sacrifice so much out of me to provide comfort for you to live? And yet the nerve you have to lie, then to tell another lie to cover a lie and then asking for more as if you need a reward for being such a great liar.

Do I need to be a saint and forgive people when they are bad and reward people when they are good to me? Or should I be a devil from hell and burn their asses to a charcoal when I caught them being bad and no second chance awarded?

Why everything is good has to end like shit? When should I start telling myself, ohh this is just another phase, its ok! Or should I just walk away out of this one? Or retaliate?

But one thing for sure, I am no devil. And I cannot act like a saint anymore either. But I am sure Allah will help me in this one just like every other shits I ran into before.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Dark Clouds Of My Past

Sometimes in April 2009, I was all hair wired, struggle to sleep every night and worried to the bone of what had happened to me. I was so worried that my most precious education documents were stolen away from under the bed inside the small room in Azaham’s apartment. I already had someone to blame for this misfortune of my own negligence. And that person already left for good and had no reason to turn back for a second thought.

Served me right though for believing people so easily and let them have it. To my best friends I was diagnosed as being blind; not eyes but blind hearted. Well now it was all in the past and nothing I could do to change anything anymore. So I decided to move on with my life, going to the gym and making new friends.

As days went by I thought I could get away from my hideous past but my past constantly bothering my mind. And the one thing that really a pin prick to my heart was how mad I was to myself for being so gullible and stupid that cost me my long life of education certificates and transcript from all my universities.

Out of the blue, recently my older sister Kakni called and told me that she found my huge black Delsey brand luggage tucked away under my grandmother’s pre-war metal bed frame in my old bedroom in my village home at Kampung Gedok. She said the luggage was so heavy and must be packed with a lot of stuff inside it. So I told her to open it up and check out what was the content. And the content was all my old photos from Hawaii that I don’t want anyone to see and all my precious education certificates, university transcripts, diploma and my degrees.

Oh my God! I said! Suddenly I can breathe again and sleep well at night knowing that I didn’t lose all these and how I thought that someone had stolen it from me. So two days ago when I got home for this year’s Eid Celebration, I opened up my luggage and went through everything.

Just as I thought, all the despicable photos of my past were in there and I don’t know why I have been keeping them knowing that I wouldn’t even take a glance of them anymore. Let alone put them in my book shelves for friends or families to see. It would be a complete embarrassment!

Unfortunately Kakni already saw them but seemed like she didn’t react to it or give out any comment to me. Thank God I don’t have to deal with it anymore. What’s past is past. Let them go and forget it. I don’t need any evident to remind me of my embarrassing past.

Last night I went through all the things I hid away inside that Delsey and sort them out. This morning, after my breakfast I grab a bottle of Kerosene, a box of matches and a garbage bag full of my shameful evident from my past.

I head out to the trash burning place at the end of my yard and dump them there. I threw splashes of Kerosene and light up the match to burn it.

I didn’t even think twice of what I was burning because I just want to get rid of them out of my life. Even memories of them in my mind are no more relevant nor exciting or fond. I already filed them away in a special forget-this-shit filing cabinet and locked it away somewhere in my head. I am not that Dwen anymore and what I am now is more essential and more acceptable to the people surrounding me and appropriate to my age.

At this point I am thinking why I did all those appalling things in the past? Was I that naïve? Or was I just wanted to explore life and figure out who I was? Or was I just having fun with some friends? But all these questions are not significant anymore whether or not I have the answer. It’s a little too late to be answered and I am already too late from being undiscovered by my sisters.

Therefore I burnt them all to a huge bon fire and watched the dark clouds of my past blown away in the sky and vanish into this Saturday morning sun.

I keep all my school and universities documents safely and I am free again! Thank God what a relief!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Aku mula dapat kunci rumah sewa baru ni 15 hb August dulu. Tetapi sampai sekarang pun masih ada banyak benda masih belum settle kat rumah ni. Masih ada banyak pokok2 kat Apartment Azaham yang perlu di ambil. Grill Set pun masih di rooftop Apartment Azaham dan ada 3 lagi equipment gym masih berada di rumah Yussof.

Sangat penat bila berpindah ke rumah baru dan sangat banyak wang di perlukan. Setakat ni macam nak terkeluar air mata darah dah bila menegnangkan betapa banyak nya hutang dan wang yg dah dileburkan ke rumah ini.

Tetapi ini adalah kali terakhir aku membeli peralatan rumah. Sekiranya aku berpindah ke rumah baru, aku akan bawa semuanya dan tak kan membeli barang baru. Cukuplah sekali ini sahaja.

Dibawah ialah gambar rumah aku yg 80% siap.

Ruang Tamu, my entertainment set semua Panasonic. TV ialah Panasonic LCD Viera 42", Blue Ray DVD Player dapat free sebab package beli TV, Surround sound semua Harmon & Kardon brand yg I beli 5 tahun dahulu.

Ruang Tamu dan Ruang Makan terbahagi oleh Arm Chair hijau belang. Meja makan di perbuat dari Kayu jati dan mempunyai 8 kerusi.

Ruang Tamu; Arm Chair dengan Fabric Cover belang hijau tua untuk matching dengan Sofa 3-Seater tu.

Ruang tamu, Sofa idaman dengan fabric cover bermotifkan bunga besar dan Daun Pisang, mengingatkan aku kepada perabut Hawaii.

Style dapur kesukaan saya...Walaupun tiada Cabinet Dapur yg kemas tetapi dapur ni mempunyai semua keperluan saya, Sink Stainless yg besar, Kitchen Island, Stove & Oven Dapur dari Italy yg lengkap and lain2.

Master Bedroom; Set Katil King size sy beli dari Nilai 3 juga, semuanya Kayu Jati.

Master Bedroom; Chest dgn drawers ni beli kat Ikea tetapi Almari tu ialah Kayu Jati beli I kat Nilai 3.

Guest Room di atas. Semua bewarna putih dan senang nak di padankan dengan apa2 pun. I paling suka dengan katil besi dari Ikea ini. Klasik dan buatannya sgt kukuh.

Family Room ditingkat atas. Sofa terpaksa di coverkan dgn kain blanket sebab sofa tu putih melepak, takut cepat kotor. Terpaksa beli Sofa dgn fabric putih sebab harga dia paling murah berbanding dgn yg menggunakan fabric bewarna atau bercorak.

Dan set TV belum ada budget nak beli utuk ruang ini. Tak penting sangat, lagi pun lampu kat ceilling pun belum ada. Nanti I akan pasang Lamp Shades aje sebab yang ni dah ada cuma tak keluarkan lagi dari kotak.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Get Outta My Way

Yup....Miss Kylie Minogue is back with another new Album. Aphrodite is absolutely the kind of album I have been waiting from her. I have been buying all her albums all these years since she came out with I Should Be So Lucky in 1988. Stock Aitken Waterman gave her all the best songs ever since then. It was a perfect combination between them.

But this new new album, Aphrodite, I could say is one of her best album ever. My favorite of all the songs is Get Outta My Way.....It's a very powerful dance song. I get the same excitement listening to this song as I was with What Do I Have To Do. This song made me wanna dance alone in my room, imagining that I am in some cool club dancing my ass off.

Here's the lyric of GET OUTTA MY WAY......

What's the worst thing that could happen to you?
Take a chance tonight and try something new.
You're getting boring.
You're all so boring, and I don't recognize the zombie you're turning 'to.
Don't worry cause tonight I got you.
You can take a seat, do what you normally do.
I'm about to let you see.
This is what'll happen if you ain't giving your girl what she needs.

Leave you, move on
To a perfect stranger
You talk I walk
Wanna feel the danger
See me with him and it's turnin' you on
Got me saying getting me back it'd be another song

Get outta my way
Got no more to say
He's takin' your place
Get outta my way
Way outta my way
Got no more to say
He's takin' your place
Get outta my way

Now I got a taste I wanna explore.
Ain't going to waste, no not anymore.
You're going hard now, to win my heart but.
So many times now, you've been comin' up short.
Don't worry cause tonight I got you.
You can take a seat do what you normally do.
I'm about to let you see.
This is what'll happen if you ain't giving your girl what she needs.

Leave you, move on
To a perfect stranger
You talk I walk
Wanna feel the danger
See me with him and it's turnin' you on
Got me saying getting me back it'd be another song

Get outta my way
Got no more to say
He's takin' your place
Get outta my way
Way outta my way
Got no more to say
He's takin' your place
Get outta my way

No I ain't going home cause I wanna stay, but I won't be alone no how no way.
Now I've showed you what I'm made of.
This is what'll happen if you ain't giving your girl what she needs.

Leave you, move on
To a perfect stranger
You talk I walk
Wanna feel the danger
See me with him and it's turnin' you on
Got me saying getting me back it'd be another song

Get outta my way
Got no more to say
He's takin' your place
Get outta my way
Way outta my way
Got no more to say
He's takin' your place
Get outta my way

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Moving To A New Home

The idea started when my best friend Azaham had to ditch his foreign country work and came back home for good. My mind started to spin 360 degrees wondering what should I do with my residence here in KL?

Prior to all these, I have lost more than RM 60,000 when I bought a bungalow from my divorced cousin. But finally after 3 years of living there her bank asked for more money, about RM35,000 in addition of what I have invested. So I decided to let go of that bungalow and moved away. It was a big mess for me then. I had to let go of so much stuff from my house and finally I ended up in Azaham’s apartment.

We worked out some kind of an agreement between friends and there after, I started living at his apartment permanently while he was away living in Macau.

And now, another similar situation happens again. I decided to move out of his apartment and find my own terrace house to live. I believe this decision is for the best. Azaham needs his space and his apartment all to himself again. It is just not right for a 38-years-old guy like me still living under his roof and taking up his space and privacy.

Although we already traded a win-win situation for both of us, I still felt like a leech sucking his blood. After all we are all living in our own unique ways. He certainly would want to do things his own way with his apartment and this doesn’t need my approval because I am just living there now and he’s the owner.

I have found a decent terrace house for me that can fit all of my needs and requirements. The only small tiny things though, I have no furniture of any kinds at all. No kitchen stuff, no dining table, no living room set and no bedroom set. At first my other best friend Kamizi, was kind of sad that I have to move out from Azaham’s apartment because to all my friends, Azaham’s apartment was like my own place. They always call it Dwen’s place and not Azaham’s.

But since moving out require such an epic projects to fill up the new place, Kamizi with open hearted, more correctly and literally take me out for shopping and use up all his big credits credit cards and let me benefit from the installment plans that come with it. It is really a blessing to me because he put some scary common sense about buying for house hold furniture and stuff. He said we must think of it as a one time investment that we could use for a long time.

As Kamizi put it, it doesn’t matter whether this residence now is rented, in the near future I have to start thinking of buying my own place again. And these house hold furniture that I buy now must be of good quality that would last me a life time. Since Kamizi has just moved in to his new terrace house about a year ago, he has a lot of tricks up his sleeve. So I have lesser things to worry about when buying things! But now I am worried about one other thing; good quality house hold furniture that could last me a life time which also translated as expensive. This idea does get me to stare through an empty wall with cold sweats run down my forehead.

So far I have spent so much money which according to Kamizi’s prediction he is correct again. And now, there’s no turning back because most of the stuff that I need to fill up my new place, already been bought. Which also means that real soon; I will have to be a slave paying all these debts for the next 3 years.

There goes my cold sweats again….and there goes my designer bags once or twice or sometimes 5 times a year. Sigh!

I am a “fashionmista” guy. I live and breathe for fashion. However to Kamizi my fashion is a waste of money and no value of happiness to him. Clearly we have different views about what makes us happy. For me a Burberry tote bag gave me a subtle and instant comfort, happiness and a sense of self confident as soon as I step out of my house and end up among strangers in the mall. To Kamizi he just wants to live in his own comfortable house that has all the luxury of living. What happen out side of his home can be downsized to a minimal request.

The funny thing is somehow I want let go of my own way of life and go with Kamizi’s way instead. Maybe it is time for me to think of the most important needs that I should have; working towards getting my own house. And getting the right house hold furniture for my future home is my first step towards this idea.

Maybe kamizi is right all the way. It’s just that he’s not fun like me. He doesn’t enjoy art, fashion, music or entertainment as much as I do. But I am so grateful to have friends like Kamizi who is so much more than my own siblings and Azaham who is so much more than any friends I know.

So when it’s time to help each other, they just come and help me and I did the same to them too.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Magical Moon

On the 27th June 2010, As I was at home doing nothing, this magical moon appeared in the night sky, shining bright behind dark clouds. I was lucky enough to have my Canon EOS 1000D camera with me at that moment. And so I changed the lens to a zoom 55-250mm lens and snaps a few photos.

These photos are as real as it was that night and I didn't do any editing at all to the original photos. The moon looks like it belongs in a Batman movie.




Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My Gym Trend Lately

I did not go to the gym for the whole month last month. It’s not that I cannot go actually I was kind of turned off to go to that XYZ Gym at KL. I lied to my friends when they ask me why I didn’t go to the gym. The real truth is I simply got bored of that place and the people that I see in that gym all the times. Whether I know them personally or strangers, pretty much I was already sick to see all their faces and literally just suck the energy out of my body.

I am kind of weird! I know from the very beginning that I do not like to make friends with the gym people or have any kind of friendship on a personal level with any of them. But I ended up having known a bunch of them anyway the way I expected. They became my friends and complicate my life. Really!

Pretty much when I am in the gym, I don’t socialize or even look at other people. I just don’t like for them to look at me either when I am forcing myself to push for each weight lifting or see my face suffer trying to push my own limits. The only people that I like to interact on a very minimal level are the staff and the Personal Trainers. That’s all actually!

It’s not that I am a stuck up person or anything like that. I just don’t see the need to be extra friendly to some eager-gediks-person and trap myself into making friends with someone I don’t really care just for the sake of being nice. I don’t want to be pretentious or lie to anyone. I really do not want to be friendly to anyone.

Call me the ugly duckling or the black sheep of the bunch for all I care. I have seen some of these gedik boys/girls making friends and how they carry themselves in the gym really want to make me vomit. Do you really need to wear such short hot pants, the kind that you would mistakenly think that they were going to the swimming pool and then doing some kind of a weird cat walking around the gym and make these cute smiles to strangers? Yuck! Despicable OK!

I suppose to these Gedik boys/girls the gym is their social club. The club that charge monthly fees, plays loud club music, offer free sodas with huge dance studios lead by Mother Hen that Gedik the most among all teaching everyone how to shake their humps. And it is also a courtyard of dream where they could catch someone or to show off their six packs or play the winking eyes games with fellow pathetic souls and find out who wins.

So, I stop going to that XYZ Gym at KL for a while until I forget all the Gedik Faces in there and for the time being I am going to all the other XYZ Gyms around KL such as Puchong, Damansara, PJ and Cheras. I am rotating my gym location on weekly basis. So far I like the gym at PJ the most, very spacious, clean and well lit.

I feel so free this way and I am not bothered by all these people so much anymore! However I don’t mind to be bothered by “Sharona” at the counter. She’s the only professional person I don’t mind putting up with. She’s so cool!

P/S: Definition of GEDIK (Pronounce like Gew-dick) This definition is taken from

A Malay word that describes someone(usually a girl or a gay boy) who acts in a slutty way but not to the extreme, it's kinda like a 'persuasive but cute' manner, where the 'cute' part is usually not from the heart. just check the e.g.

Boy : Hey, leave my noodles alone on that table!
Girl : Aww... can't I just have a little?~ pleaasee....
Boy : A simple "no, u can't"
Girl : aww pweaase~ pwettie pweaasee~ (puts finger on her lips and nods a little while staring straight to the boy's face)
Boy : Omg, u r sooo gedik

There Are Times. . . . . . . .

There are times when I get so emotional I just cried my heart out alone in my room to let go of my wretchedness. They were many times when I cried so many tears in front of my cat Sultan, the only one truly understands me. He would sit beside me and showed me how much he cared and how much he wished he could say words of comfort for me. He stayed there right in front of me, stared at me with his big blue eyes without a blink.

There are times when I don’t have tears to cry anymore, I started to pour my heart out on a piece of paper. Sometimes after such sadness or pain struck my heart, writing consoles me and made me feel more contented. I know that my closest friends were wondering why sometimes I acted so bizarrely and became such irate little soul. Anyone would have understood more of me if they read what I write all the times.

There are times that I may be looked so strong and independent on the outside. But, on the inside I am all sensitive and mushy. I acted with such pride and confident and fool all the people that I love into thinking that I am good enough. I go astray with my direction in life and try to compensate the tragedy I had with awful behavior and harsh remarks to my own best friends. But I know that this is a wrong thing to act on and unwise judgment.

There are times when I just cannot do anything anymore but to let go. Nothing I can do to people out there with agenda to control or to manipulate me. I cannot push, tell, explain, advise or make them understands of my simple needs. They just go about pretending that they are with me when they are absent and careless about how I feel. They just want what they wish for or believe what they see when they neither open their eyes nor their heart.

There are times I wish for simple things in life and not the stars in the night sky to light my world. There are times I wish for you to just listen to what I say and feel what I feel and see me shed tears. There are times I wish for many things in return you give me conflicting.

There are many times things are just inexhaustible when I want it to stop.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

My Funny Friend Named Yan

This afternoon I received news from my good friend Yan that he's leaving for Hong Kong for good at the end of this month. He just got a job offer from one of the firms there. He tried to make things work for himself here in KL but the economy just too bad for him. When he told me he's leaving, suddenly I felt very sad and emotional that I am loosing one of my good, smart, matured and funny friends like Yan.

Among all of my friends, Yan is so much different. Even when he goes through tough times in life, he wouldn’t show any anger, frustrations or disappointment towards life. He has always been so positive and never stops to try new things and smiles like nothing ever hurt him. And the best part about Yan is he is the only one of my friends that can listen to my jokes and get it instantly. And he could remember so many jokes and tell me about it too. He is so much fun and smart!

Although we don’t get to spend time together so often, we keep in contact all the times through Facebook and telephone. I wish I could have spent more times with him though. I knew that he wanted to watch movies with me many times but I always end up with someone else in the theater. I felt like I have neglected him a little bit. It made me feel sadder that I could do this to my own dear friend.

I don't have many good friends but the one that I have are very exclusive and special. They are always around and supportive. Yup! We talked about each other behind our backs and discuss on things about each other. But hey....that's what makes us all special friends. We don't mean any harm or try to hurt one another. We just talk to each other and lend our shoulder to cry on and ears to listen to their problems or dissatisfaction. By the end of the day they are all used to improve our quality of friendship. That's all!

But one friend goes, there’ll be another coming. Is that true? Yes! That is true but no one holds a candle to Yan. I will tremendously miss his kind words, smart advices and warm company among other good things he posses. And I am sure he would want me to mention about his charming good looks as well.

New people don't mean that they are good but it means new things to discover and new sets of headache. And from what I have had for the past 10 years, not many 20-something friends out there who are willing to grow old together. Sometimes they are just too young to be matured. What came out from their mouth and seen through their actions are two different things. Too Bad! They don't know how to get rid of their anger or hate or ego for the sake of friendship. But they know that they are still young and they can go through so many friendship after getting rid of us before they decided to stick to a few of them for a long time.

Do they really know the meaning of friendship? Are they willing to forgive a friend and move on with the friendship like nothing happen? Things happened for a reason. It is an unwritten guideline of friendship for future reference. It’s the dos and don’ts of our very own friendship. Over the years, you’ll understand better of your friends and learn which are best to preserve the friendship.

To Yan, thank you for all your kind words of advice and always been there for me with no conditions applied. I bid you farewell and the best of luck in your career. I will tremendously miss you and we shall just keep in contact through Facebook, emails and telephone until we meet again someday.

Take care of yourself my friend.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Have I Grown Up?

Mostly when I write something it’s because I was angry at someone or something. There’s always something about dissatisfaction that fuel me to such epic eruptions. Usually, when this happens I would normally able to express my feelings like a blaze of fire. I got too wrapped up in my own drama mess.

I have this short temper that I inherit from my late father. I love him so much but this part of him has become a part of me that I do not like. I can see how I become so much more like him everyday, as I am getting older.

I get impatient when I do things and started to rush on doing my chores. And if I screw it up I get so angry at myself and started to curse and call myself stupid, idiot and all the mean nouns. There are times when I literally hit my head with things that can hurt me. To some point, I felt uncontrollable with my own anger. It was more like a self punishment kind of thing and I seldom do this to other people. Unless I was provoked, cornered or badgered with issues that really bothers me.

Sometimes I thought was it because I really wanted to be perfect at everything that I become some kind of mental and full of anger at myself for my failures? The bad thing is that the small little things that got me so angry and not the big ones. It was almost on the verge of being pathetic than psychotic.

I was told by someone really close to me at one time. She said that sometimes we become cold, impatient, full of resentment, anger and bitterness towards life because our hearts had become dull and lost due to distance from Allah and religion.

I sort of agree to this! I remember how my level of devout has been on a rollercoaster ride pretty much all these years. The rule of thumb is, when I am in trouble and need help, I will be back to my praying mat and started giving it at least 3 times a day.

Even when I am in trouble I failed to give my requested 5 times a day of praying discipline. So what happen when everything is on a roll and no disaster? This is when I started to get free and easy on the praying and focus more on my pathetic daily life. I will surely be burned in hell for all the sins and bad things I did. But how far will I allow myself to go on an on without realizing the importance of living as a devout Muslim? Until some life and death situations comes at my door and leave me with a package of no more options?

I have seen some of my friends faced this situation and drastically forced to change their lifestyles. From drinking wine for breakfast in the morning to passed out at 11.00pm after 5 glasses of wine on a daily routine to praying 5 times a day no matter where and how difficult the situations are, he still find a place to pray. At least the good side of getting bad news is we got second chance to correct our life and become a better person. Consider that life and death package was a special-warning-delivery from God to make us realize how small we are and how short life can be.

Sometimes I get so jealous of some people who get to jet set everywhere all over the world. Get to see other countries, enjoying clubbing in New York, sipping café latte on the road side of Paris Café, shopping at Oxford Street, taking a boat ride along the Sydney Opera House and so much more. But the things that I have come to realized all these years, after all the disappointments and jealousness towards my jet setting friends, life is not what it seems actually. There are more to life than just a beautiful picture with an Eiffel Tower in the back ground on their Facebook.

Generally, people just love to tell their beautiful romance stories and enjoy watching other people awe at them. But the truth behind these colorful pictures and beautiful smiles is like the crumbs that swept under the carpet. Nobody knows the dark side content behind that perfect cover they portray.

It is true that nothing last forever and the best things that we have are the things that we have and not what other people have. Comparing me to my other friends who get to enjoy everything that I dream and make it their reality is just not fair to me.

God definitely has plans for everyone. And when something bad or good happens, I couldn’t help but wonder, when is it going to end and what’s going to come out next? So that’s why I stop myself from feeling sorry for not able to enjoy the things that other people have. I make my own happiness and my own set of rules. Not really strict rules but something that has loop holes here and there so that I could make changes as and when I need to without restrictions that could bind me to the floor or put me in a guilty bin.

The thing is after all these notions and emotions laid out in the open, have I grown up to be a better person? I think the answer is yes! I realized now how life go, who to forgive, what to forget and how I could find my own peace when something bad strike me right in my heart. By the end of the day, one cannot be too rigid on his or her own set of strict morale code. So rigid that it was fueled by ego and hate.

I surely do not want to be like the person that I used to when I was 25 years old. Back then I was so naïve, empty and bland. I was depending on my older or superior friends to make decisions for myself; it came down to the smallest detail such as what my hair styles should be like. Absolutely no back bone, limping and so fragile!

I think now is the era where I start sharing with people what it’s like to be a mature adult and know what I am doing. And I actually know the real meaning of the word “been there, done that”. It is such a cliché but its all valid now in my own vocabulary of life.

Yes! I have grown up!

Friday, May 21, 2010


Pagi tadi semasa aku tengah drive nak pergi kerja, aku berangan lagi mengenai rumah impian aku. Hentahlah, aku selalu berangan nak memiliki rumah yang cantik, ada laman yang luas di sebelah rumah untuk aku berkebun dan melepaskan kucing-kucing kesayangan aku.

Tetapi bila aku fikir semula reality kewangan aku sekarang dengan umur aku yang hampir mencecah 40 tahun ini, aku rasa sampai mati pun aku tak kan merasa tinggal didalam rumah yang cantik and luas seperti yang diidamkan.

Lebih kurang 5-6 tahun dulu, aku beli sebiji rumah bangalo dari sepupu aku Liza and Affendi. Mereka bercerai, jadi rumah yang mereka baru beli bersama terpaksa dijual. Selepas aku melihat bangalo tu di Lavender Heights, Senawang, Aku terus jatuh cinta dan beli property itu. Semuanya berjalan lancar, aku keluarkan wang simpanan aku, bayar 10% dari harga rumah itu dan tidak lama kemudian aku pun pindah masuk bersama dengan Chomel, Sultan dan Cotton.

Tetapi tanpa kusedari, rupanya, sepupu aku dan ex-suami dia tak pernah bayar satu sen pun ke bank mereka setiap bulan sebelum aku masuk dan hutang mereka dengan bank menjadi bertimbun-timbun…selepas dua tahun aku dok disana, dan selepas aku berbelanja melebihi RM60,000 terhadap rumah idaman aku itu, aku dihalau keluar. Sebabnya, pihak bank tidak boleh beri hak sepenuhnya rumah itu kepada aku melainkan aku tambah sebanyak RM30,000 lebih lagi kepada bank. Mana aku nak korek duit lagi?

Aku menjadi buntu dan merasa sungguh sedih, sesal dan kecewa dengan semua nie sebab aku terpaksa bakar segala pelaburan aku kat rumah tu begitu sahaja. Dalam sekelip mata aku dari berumah Banglo menjadi homeless. Selepas 2 tahun menginap dirumah itu, aku keluar dan menumpang tinggal di rumah Azaham di Seri Kembangan.

Sudah nasib aku macam ni, aku terima sahaja dan teruskan kehidupan. Tetapi selepas beberapa tahun tinggal di apartment Azaham, aku sudah mula rasa terasing dan sedih semula. Aku ingin tingal di rumah aku sendiri. Aku tak boleh duduk dirumah orang dah. Dah tak larat tinggal di rumah kawan yang aku tak boleh buat apa-apa pun. Aku tak boleh ubah suai rumah ini. Aku tak boleh letak kucing2 kesayangan aku. Aku tak boleh gantung lukisan dan hiasan di dinding. Store room pun kena kemas sentiasa dan aku terpaksa punggah kotak-kotak yang sudah disusun rapi bila aku nak ambil apa-apa. Semuanya dah tak seperti dulu, free and easy orang kata.

Aku tak boleh buat sesuka hati aku. Aku menumpang belas kasihan seorang kawan. Aku menggunakan kemudahan yang dimiliki oleh orang. Aku terasa seperti seorang parasit diatas dahan pokok yang indah. Hidup sementara dan tiada masa depan.

Aku tersekat dengan batasan aku sendiri…kewangan. Aku sekarang dok membayar hutang yang beribu-ribu setiap bulan di atas kesilapan aku yang dahulu dan tak mampu untuk menyimpan walau seratus pun untuk masa tua aku. Aku hidup dari bulan ke bulan disetiap bulan. Setiap sen gaji aku semuanya sudah ada tempat yang akan “dicampak” kan. Aku rasa hati aku sebak dan sebu! Aku tidak sedih tetapi rasa buntu dengan hutang yang tiada hentinya.

Aku tahu perbelanjaan aku agak “berlebihan” selalu. Orang akan cakap daripada beli Beg Burberry yang berharga seribu ringgit, lebih baik letak di dalam ASB dan biarkan dia beranak sendiri dihujung tahu. Memang betul, aku dengan designer taste aku, CK, Burberry, Zara, Prada, Gucci, tralili-tralala….semuanya pembaziran. What can I say?

Tetapi kalau aku fikir semula, tak logic kalau aku kerja kuat setiap bulan untuk membayar hutang piutang sahaja seumur hidup aku. Betul tak? Takkan aku tak boleh nak hiburkan hati, buat retail therapy sebagai “hadiah” ke atas situasi aku yang dah already merunsing kan ini. Life is too short to just look at beautiful things and walk away. I want to have them in my possession and enjoy them. I do! Kadang-kadang aku rasa sungguh enjoy dan puas hati selepas aku beli jacket Calvin Klein koleksi yang paling latest kat KLCC. Aku rasa puas sampai kan termimpi-mimpi.

Kalau beli designer beg, lagi lah. Aku rasa macam nak tidur dengan Beg baru tu. Tetapi aku selalunya akan sorok kan semua designer goods aku yang baru di atas almari aku. Sebab aku tak mahu kawan2 aku nampak yang aku ada “benda” baru ini. Aku tak suka kalau dorang fikir yang aku ni kaya. Aku tak kaya, aku cuma tidak takut untuk berbelanja. Itu sahaja. And I know that I deserve it!

Aku tau dengan cara ini juga membuatkan aku tidak putus asa dengan segala hutang piutang di bank yang tiada hentinya dengan interest yang beranak pinak. At least aku rasa terhibur sekali sekala dengan pembelian yang cantik dan berharga.

Mungkin satu hari nanti aku akan end up dengan designer bags aku sahaja dan aku terpaksa bungkus-bungkus kan nya jadikan rumah. Sebab kalau aku fikirkan semula harga2 beg aku tu, dah berpuluh ribu aku berbelanja. Hanya bank sahaja yang tahu!

Tetapi my ultimate dream is to have my own home. A beautiful house for me, my loving cats and my beautiful orchids. But for now, semuanya masih blur, masih berkabus dan masih jauh dari harapan aku.

My clock is ticking but I am stuck!

Friday, May 14, 2010

What Is The Meaning Of Best Friends?

I have known my best friends Kamizi and Azam since the past 19 years. Back then when we were in the University, we were so naïve about life. But we learn to grow out of anger and frustrations against each other and learn to accept who we were. Yes we have grown to be so much different now compared to when we first met. But University kept us together without a choice to abandon one another and realized how important our friendship could be by the end of the day.

We used to hate each other so much, very competitive, secretive and above all gossiping about each other all the times. But regardless all negative sides of each other we knew somehow, subconsciously that we were meant to be together for a long time. After years of knowing and living together, we learn to let go of small little things and know which button not to be pushed.

Being an expert on each other or on your friendships with your best friends for a very long time doesn’t happen overnight. But the thing that you must always have to get the best friend like mine is, never give yourself a choice to let go. Make it like for better and for worse kind of situation. Because once you give yourself that choice, your friendship will not last! You will end up with that option and run away from your problems or disowned them as your friends.

There are so many coward angry friends out there. And these people will not have the balls to face their friends when shit happens. These friends will be more likely choose to throw away than to fix broken things. Time spends and investments on each other suddenly become meaningless when ego take control the center of their world.

To these friends out there, do not let yourself be deluded, shallow, hateful, bitter or revengeful. Forgive and forget is a noble things to do for your friends. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. There are more important things in life than to be angry at other people all the times.

I once heard a wise monk said, “You cannot fill up a cup when it’s already full.” Or did I see that in the movie 2012? Anyhow, no matter where it came from, it has a strong message behind it. Sometimes, when you are so angry you close all possible ways for your friends to come back at you. And you become self righteous and self centered. You thought you know it all! But no matter what you do, try to keep an open mind. Empty your cup and let other people pour some tea in it without spill.

As you add numbers to your age, things will definitely get more complicated but you will see things clearer and understands life better. The issues that you didn’t understand when you were 20-something will be much easier to digest when you are 30-something. That’s why people always advice us to follow the elderly advices.

And when we were young and naïve we didn’t understand our Parents problem. And they often hide things from the children anyway. Suddenly, 15 years after that the truth came out that our loving and happy parents were in fact the opposite all those years. But they managed to keep a great acting for the children’s sake. Suddenly, we found out that we have step mother and step siblings. This happens to a lot of my friends. Not one or two friends, like more than 5 of my friends.

So what happened to them when a secret so huge like this came out in the family? You learn to live with it. Why? Because no matter how much you hate the facts, your parents are still your flesh and blood. You will keep seeing them in years to come. Eventually your hate will wear out of you. So why keep so much hatred for so long and waste energy on it when you know eventually someday it will be gone?

Our flesh and blood is something that we don’t get to choose. No matter how bad things get, we still have to live with each other. This is also what happened to best friends. They have become siblings and much more.

So stop burning your bridges and look deep in yourself. Is it really worth it to cut out your friends away when you already called them your best friends? Do you know now what is the meaning of having best friends?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dwen FIMO Floral Jewelry

Right after I graduated from Hawaii Pacific University in 1997, I started off my career in Jewelry Designs for Forever Hawaiian Creations in Honolulu. It was such a wonderful experienced to start my career doing the things that I adore. I have always love art and flowers and I could apply these two things into my FIMO Jewelry designs.

Below are some of my designs that I have made in the past.

The Exotic Pink Torch Ginger Large Earrings. Also known as Bunga Kantan in Malaysia.

Cluster of Hawaiian Favorite Flower made into Extra Large Earrings. Green Pakalana Flower, White Gardenia and Fushia Dendrobium Orchid.

Extra Large Brooch of Black Feather with White Phalaenopsis Orchid in the Center.

Extra Large Brooch of Hawaiian Favorite Flowers; Orange Pua Kenikeni, Purple Crownflower and Red Hibiscus.

Hawaiian forever favorite flower, The Tahitian Gardenia or also known as Tiare in Tahiti. This is my version of Tiare in Large size Earrings.

Medium Earrings of Cattleya Orchid.

The Exotic Rafflesia flower on a bed of leaves made into a Necklace with matching earrings of green leaves.

Multi Color Randa Necklace

Green Phalaenopsis Violacea Necklace and Matching Earrings. This necklace designed for NTV7 models for AIM 2005.

Blue Plumbago Necklace with Semi Precious Stones and Matching Earrings.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Change of Weather

I have always enjoyed watching Sex And The City HBO series on my DVDs. That series show a lot about the truth of life, love and relationship of single girls and boys in big cities with lots of humor to tone down the seriousness. Although that series pretty much based on women’s point of view but despite it all the issues are still real. I could relate to them all so vividly. Men or women, we are not much different at all.

Friends and families around me are all constantly going through problems and constantly battling their fate for a better life. But there are also some of us who are in control of our own life and get to choose who we want to be. These who thought in control of their lives often turned out to be cocky and proud owner of their own little souls. Little do they know that they are actually destined for the same fate as the rest of us too.

Life works in their mysterious ways. The minute we became so arrogant of who we were things started to shift, split and became a new level. The rules that we make up all these while suddenly changed and adapted to new lifestyles and options. None of the previous rules apply anymore and the things that we loathed before this suddenly become the latest trend that we live in. It is so quick how life recycle itself.

I know one guy who used to be dating blondes only and looked down on the local girls. How he would never find himself with a Malaysian girl as though these girls has contagious disease. He claimed that he didn’t want to be with any local girls because he didn’t want to be with anyone’s ex. He thinks that Local KL girls are a bunch of leftovers and go around from one relationship to another for one too many. I thought that was an ego issues on his side and not the girls’ issues.

Eventually after so many years, I could see how he has changed and “down grade” his level of preference to Asians girls. He has realized how the difference in values between Asians and Western girls started giving him problems and limit his lifestyles. The truth is how can an Asian that is full of cultures and traditional customs trying to adapt the lifestyles of the Westerners.

Physically the blondes would win the look contest but in terms of inner values, the Asians are more compatible and much easier to live with. Eventually we got use to the beauty of our own people and realize that beauty is not how good your make-up looks but how beautiful your manners are. Have we forgotten where we live? Not in a four-seasoned country but in an all year round 35 degrees temperature country with so much diverse food and cultures all around; Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

Another truth to be told is relationship is not about finding the right look for our eyes to feast. By the end of the day it all comes down to chemistry and how we could get along with the other person as a lover. What we want doesn’t apply anymore in the matter of love. Pretty much who we end up with and how can we make it work.

It feels good to see a friend that used to think so highly on the western people now changed his perceptions towards Malaysians and having a relationship with a Malay girl who he’s proud to call a girl friend in front of all our friends. Although the terms girlfriend often used loosely when he say it and sometimes he stills trying to make it a though it was the girlfriend who was so eager to label themselves, I forgive him for being that way. Eventually he will be less in denial.

I suppose people change in so many levels and it’s just a matter of time when they are going to change.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Wild Flowers & Animals in My Village

I see this white star flower grow pretty much everywhere near my house.

I saw this fern growing everywhere around my house. Especially in a shaded cool rocky grown.

I saw this tiny little butterfly flying from one flower to another in the bushes. The actual size of this butterfly is about 1.5 cm only.

I saw this flower all around somebody's fence in my village. It could be the flower of some kind of a bitter gourd.

Another flower I saw growing wild in the bushes. I am sure this flower was introduced here and might have come from another place.

Wild Morning Glory flower. Blueish in color.

As I was walking around my house, I saw a Lizard about 2 feet long, walking around the bushes looking for food. I couldn't get a closer shot as it was afraid of me and might run away.

Giant Squirrel, Yellowish Gold in Color about the size of house cat. It was too high on the Langsat tree right next to my house. My camera cannot zoom so far away. This is the best shot I could get of it.

Monday, May 3, 2010


Ever since my mother had broken bones in her thigh several years ago, she was unable to walk since then. After several years, she accepted this disappointing fate and started living from one place to another, from Kak Yah’s house at Bandar Tasik Selatan to Kak Ni’s house at Gemenchech and now been living permanently at Fizah’s apartment at Desa Tasik.

My sisters used to take turns taking care of her but not anymore. Mom is finally living with Fizah now as Fizah is still single and living in her own rented apartment which I paid half of the rent and fully furnished the apartment to give comfort for mom.

It has been a long time since her last visit back to her beloved home at Kampung Gedok, Gemenchech. This is the very house that we 7 siblings grew up since my grandfather retired from being a Custom Officer in 1970.

For months my mom has been nagging at Fizah to go back home but she has been giving Mom excuse due to financial restrictions and also couldn’t live apart from her fiancé. So the minute I found out that she wanted to go back Kampong, I half-heartedly agreed to sacrifice my colorful weekend activities for her instead.

As we drove back to Kampong, I realized how my mom was so eager to reach her home. As we reaching closer to Kampong I could see the glow of excitement in her eyes. But she has always been a very reserved and quiet person. She would not speak her minds to us. She’s not the kind of person that would be so talkative or even social. Mom would only talk whenever she needs to or when she has something important to say or ask.

Now that she’s over 70’s, frail and on wheel chair most of the times, she enjoys her quiet life alone. Pretty much nowadays she would wake up early in the morning and then enjoys the company of Kak Yah for her daily visits of bringing breakfast and lunch. At around 11.30 or so Kak Yah would go home. At 1 pm Fizah comes home for lunch with her. Sometimes when I am not busy running around town doing my errands, I would join lunching with her too or sometimes just a quick visit to see her.

In between our visits throughout the day, she would just watch TV or lying down resting in her room. Kampung is a much needed diversion from her boring daily brick view of Fizah’s apartment. She needs a change of scenery from artificial to organic view of her familiar territory. Mom’s wooden Limas-styled kampong house is surrounded by Rambutan, Langsat, Mangoesteen, Mangoes, Pomelos, Coconut, Durian, Rose apple and Chiku trees.

This house is her private fruit gardens for the past 40 years. However, since most of the neighbor houses are also inhabited for the past 10 years and visited by families during holidays only, wild monkeys have taken over the whole village and invaded our homes. A lot of broken roof, pipes and not much of fruits left during fruit season.

Despite these broken things around the house and lesser fruit trees around, this is still a true home for her forever. I realized how important it is for us to bring her back home to her kampong house once in a blue moon for her to see and feel alive. This home holds so much fond memories and brought so much joy and happiness in her life.

I could still remember how I used to live in this house when I was a kid with my grandparents and us all living under the same roof having dinner together every night. It was so wonderful and irreplaceable.

If I were her, I would be the same too. I have neglected her for too much. I am too wrapped up in my own stupid life. Getting distracted with petty little things that come my way and forget to repay all her sacrifices for us all.

I hope she can forgive me!

Friday, April 23, 2010

HOME. . . . . .Where Are You?

Suddenly I felt like I want to make a quick pit stop at my blog today.
Dear Blog…..Funny that I have never used this expression before. But now seems kind of appropriate for me to pour my heart out to my blog because this is the only true thing that listens and never complaints back at me.

Just last night the owner of my apartment came home for good and living back in his own apartment. Before this he was working overseas. Somehow or rather I already felt that things will come to an end for me to live in His apartment. I have been living there for the past 4 years or more by myself with occasional visits from him every time he gets the chance to come back for a holiday.

And just recently I started bring back my cats home to clean them up and sometimes to accompany me for the weekend or for the whole week. The cats seemed to enjoy this occasional trip back home before I brought them back to the office, which is their permanent home.

A few weeks before this, I already sent back my cats back to the office and cleaned up the apartment. Vacuuming, dusting, rearranging and mopping the whole place. But I still left Castie (3 months old) in a cage at home. Whenever I am home, I will release Castie from his cage to play around with me. She has this habit of following me around the house. She thinks I am her mother as I have been feeding her milk with a bottle since she was a tiny little baby. I enjoy having her around when I am home. She annoys me sometimes with her noisy whine, but I know that we love each other so much. It felt really nice when a tiny little soul like Castie depending her life on me unconditionally.

I always keep her cage clean especially last night, when He is home. And guess what? After a few hours at home He complained that the cage is smelly and suggested that I moved it upstairs. To my standard, and I am not having stuffy nose with a flu right now, I know that cage was acceptably clean and odor free. Suddenly, I was knocked out of my comfort zone and realized what a particular and picky person He could be. Quickly I responded to Him that I would put Castie in my office as she is strong enough to be independent now.

I felt sad for Castie and I felt sad for myself too. But my hands are tied. This may lead to something bigger in the near future. Now I want to live in my own place to do whatever I want with it and nobody gonna say nothing about it.

FREEDOM is the word. I don’t think I will be happy living in a place with Him watching my every move and telling me what to do. To me a home should be practical and not like a freakin’ show room where you have to keep everything squeaky clean, dust-free 24-7 and decorated with fake plastic plants. A place with no soul no life, like a hotel room where everybody comes and goes and nothing stays.

I will go. . . . . .

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Support Malaysian Movie!. . . . . . . . .Should I?

Last Saturday I went to Alamanda Shopping Mall at Putrajaya for my weekly ritual Retail Therapy and R&R. Among other shops that I walked into was this local franchise Music & DVD Retail shop on the Lower Ground Floor. I buy Movie DVDs all the times and I just couldn’t resist to just ignore this shop whenever I see one.

In just 30 minutes I already ended up with 4 DVDs in my hand; JAWS-Special Edition, Aquamarine, Coco Avant Chanel and Talentime. I have been meaning to buy Talentime for a long time because I didn’t get the chance to watch that movie in the cinema. The review about Talentime movie was very interesting and good. Arwah Yasmin Ahmad was well known for putting together interracial issues of Malaysia, the cultures and the religions in one movie. And I have seen her previous movies such as Sepet, Gubra, Mukhsin and Muallaf in the cinemas and own the DVDs as well. And so I was so excited to watch this movie in my living room.

Quarter ways down the movie, then I started to realized that I cannot understand a damn thing of what the Indian family in this movie was talking about. I started looking for the Subtitle button on my Pioneer remote control. I checked and checked many times in different ways if I have missed any button or anything that make the subtitle gone missing. Then I realized for real that this movie has no subtitle provided. And it’s a DVD for God sake!

I kept thinking that it would be a real shame if this movie does not provide subtitles. Finally I read on the back cover of the DVD and it doesn’t say anywhere that this movie has subtitles. But it’s written there that the language was Bahasa Malaysia. Even this they cannot get it right! Through out the movie, 3 languages were spoken through; Bahasa Malaysia, English and Tamil. Not just Bahasa Malaysia language. WHY CAN’T THEY GET THIS RIGHT?

It’s a real shame to this movie! Rather than I get annoyed guessing what the Indian Family was chatting about through out the movie, I decided to press the STOP button on my remote control and replaced Talentime DVD with COCO Avant Chanel Movie.

I was shocked and deeply disappointed with this unfortunate issue. Then again I told to myself, this is a very typical problem of Malaysian products in general. There’s always something stupid that would come out from it. It was half way done and I cannot believe that no one from the production of Talentime even care to put the subtitles. This is so sad!

Very little Malaysian speaks Tamil and to convey such beautiful message about how different cultures and religion in Malaysia lives through this movie without subtitles is one STUPID and LAZY move. I don’t think it was that hard to come out with the subtitles as the cinema version already had subtitles. Even the counterfeit DVDs that they sell at Pasar Malam have subtitles. Although most of the times it wasn’t a perfect translation but still they took all the effort to put subtitles anyway in those RM5 Hollywood Movies.

I was very disappointed with this “halfassed” production. Never again I buy a Malaysian Movie that is done to rip me off like this. It’s not about the money. Telentime DVD only cost me RM 19.90 and I buy DVDs that cost RM 59.90 all the times. But the one thing that I expect from a DVD is to have beautiful flawless pictures, a decent good sound, subtitles and maybe some bonus features. That’s all!

I mean, not only they didn’t put subtitles for us to understand the Tamil Language conversations, there were no special features what so ever on top of that. So why should I even bother to buy Malaysian Movie next time? This movie wasn’t that great, but I wanted to support Malaysian Products so every once and a while when I came across an OK Malay Movies, I buy them because I want them to grow and make money for their hard work and make a better productions next time.

But I guess, I better to just stick to Hollywood or foreign movies that has multi-language subtitles and even put a little extra bonus features in the DVD version.

So don’t come complain to me asking why I didn’t support Malay Movies. I did but I got disappointed for one too many!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

NEVER Trust Anyone: The Story Of How I Lost My Cat Named Snow

There are numerous occasions that I just forget to be critical of the people that came through to me. I let myself trust these people and I thought that would be good. But a lot of times when I gave these people the one thing that is most important in a friendship, trust! I ended up with a big lost on my hand.

Sometimes in the early December 2009, my friend Sam called and messaged me in my Facebook telling me that his friend named Adam interested to mate his female Black-colored Persian cat named Darla with my White Persian named Snow.

I often put the photos of my 4 cats in Facebook as they are my life and joy. This is how people see how adorable they are. I have been keeping them closer than a family for years and years. Snow is a four year old cat, was born on the 20th January 2006 from a Tortoise-colored Persian name Putri. However Snow did not inherit the color of Putri’s fur, instead he is white as a snow just like his father, a cat that belongs to my neighbor at our previous home at Lavender Heights, Seremban.

Among Snow’s siblings, Snow is the oldest and possessed such a long fur and a tough bone structure. Compared to a normal cat, Snow is quite huge in size.

However, one working day, Sam and Adam came to my office to get Snow back to Adam’s apartment to be living temporarily with Darla, hoping that Darla would get pregnant by Snow. Initially, Adam said that he could just come and take Snow and would not bother me with anything. I thought that idea was quite weird because Adam offered me no invitation to his apartment. So I told him straight that I would be so uncomfortable to just let him take Snow and not knowing where he’s taking him. Just to be safe, I thought!

So I followed Adam and Sam back to Adam’s apartment to see where he lives and so forth. Thinking that should there be any problem later, at least I know now where Adam lives and I could just take Snow back. I thought that should be secure enough for my doubt and skeptical about this whole arrangement.

On the 3rd week of Snow living at Adam’s, I decided to pick him back home. So I SMS Adam and told him my intention. A few days after that on the 30th of December, Adam called me right after 2 pm, told me that Snow is missing from his apartment and feared dead.

He said that his friends wanted to come and see the cats and realized that Snow was not in the room and that the balcony sliding door was slightly opened. With such shocking news from Adam, I called Sam and told him about the situation. I was hoping that I would get some kind of help and protection from Sam. But I told Sam not to come instead. When I got to the lobby front entrance of Adam’s apartment, he was waiting there with his four friends (a girl and 3 guys). I thought to myself, why would his friends be there? Then he explained that his friends were there to help him looked for Snow. Yeah! Whatever! And so I thought to myself!

So we went around the parking lot and concluded that if Snow jumped off from the balcony, he wouldn’t be dead or injured at all as the balcony is only 7 feet high and there are grass and bushes of plants right under the balcony.

Adam said that Bangladeshi’s Security guy said to have seen a huge white cat with blood gushing out from his mouth, dying by the parking lot early that morning. And by around 10am, he said the cleaning lady already cleared the dead cat and threw it in the trash can. By 11am, the trash truck came picked up all the garbage. No trace of Snow ever and all Adam had to prove was this questionable stain of blood which was already dried up and almost clean from the floor behind the parking lot. There is no gushing-blood stain any where. Only trails of stains that could be blood or could be spits of Sirih because the cleaning ladies were Indians.

After searching for nothing in the parking lot, I went to Darla’s room. Adam said when Darla gave birth to kittens later, he will give me two of them to me. I said that would be in the uncertain future and I don’t care for the kittens. I care a lot more for Snow than anything else. I was thinking that if Adam stole Snow from me, would he have the integrity to give me the kittens? I didn’t think so!

I started to feel really sad as I see no evident of dead Snow. My gut instinct told me that Snow is still alive and he could be living in someone else’s living room now. Even to this day, I still feel that Snow was stolen from me and not dead.

After the incident, I realized that Adam offered me no consolation, neither courtesy call nor SMS to comfort for my lost or to apologize for his negligence. Right after I left, he completely shut me out. No communication at all. Based on these facts and after telling numerous cat owners and animal lover, they were all agreed on one thing, Adam is a cat thief! They said that Adam has grown fonder of Snow and couldn’t let him go. So he faked a death, but he has no strong proved of Snow’s Death what so ever. I figured he was afraid that I would take Darla in replacement for my missing Snow, so he brought his “support group” to be around us when we looked for Snow.

The whole thing was really suspicious! Somehow I knew from the start that there was something not right with Adam’s character. And he knew damn well that the sliding door inside Darla’s room cannot be opened when Snow was there because I made it very clear to him about this. But he turned around and made this as the point of reason of how Snow got out from the room. He said his “housemate” opened the sliding door and he didn’t realize it. Frankly, I don’t think his “housemate” was that stupid! Frankly I was the fool for not being able to do anything for Snow.

After a very long while, finally last night Adam MMS me a photo of a dead cat. In the MMS Adam wrote, “Ths pic baby Darla, but sory dh mati. So sad”. 2nd SMS “Sekor..warna htam tu. I rasa tkilan dn sdih..darla x pandai jaga anak”. 3rd SMS “Ari khamis ari tu, I nk beritahu u tapi I krusus”. Last SMS “X..Housemate I ada kat rmh..I blik kg trus..smlm bru blik..dpt mms anak dia? I hanyutkan body kt sg tmpt cat I yg mati”

I sent Adam one last SMS after his 4th SMS, “Hmm! OK lah tu. I think I yg really should be sad n angry in this whole ordeal. Ikutkan rule, u yg kena letak Darla kat tempat I to get pregnant. Tp sekarang kucing I hilang n anak dia pun u x bleh bg kat I pun. Tgk pun x de. You still got Darla n probably more and I end up with nothg. I don’t see u try to comfort me or offer anything for your negligent. Not even sms saying sorry pun x pernah. No coutesy to me whatsoever. But u know what, x pelah Adam. I pun x kenal u lansung. Tulah kesilapan besar I.”

Adam didn’t reply to my last SMS. I also forwarded a copy to Sam. Sam replied this SMS to my Facebook.

Well, after this incident, I have learnt a great deal of lesson. Never ever to trust anyone, not even a friend, let alone a friend to a friend. I thought that if Sam introduced his friend Adam to me, Adam must be a good person. This is a given fact because I trusted Sam. I have no reason to be suspicious of a friend. And Sam would make a good reference to anyone.

Well I thought WRONG. I was so wrong about this whole thing. I lost something valuable because I thought someone would be honoring back my sincerity and honesty to them. I was a FOOL!

To Snow, I am so sorry for letting this happened to you right under my nose. Where ever you are my darling, dead or alive, I believe in Karma of life.

To Adam Kamaruddin, just remember that what goes around comes around!